An Ode to my Mother In Law's cars

"mcseanerson" (mcseanerson) 07/19/2016 at 12:30 • Filed to: None

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Inspired by the front page post regarding the PT Cruiser I decided to make a post profiling the type of person who may willingly buy a PT Cruiser. I do not know my mother in law’s full car history but I do know every vehicle she has owned since I met her. Little snippets of previous ownership stories tell me she has owned two Pontiac Bonnevilles that were both lemons, an AMC Eagle that was a fun little car and sold while still running strong, a Toyota Corona that my Father In Law drove the wrong way up an off ramp dodging traffic with, and a Chrysler New Yorker that murdered any car it came in contact with.

(Note: None of the following photos are of my Mother In Law cars, just closest images I could find online.)

A 1990 beige Chevy Lumina 3.1 with the rare egg crate grill. This would turn out to be the most reliable vehicle my Mother In Law, who I will refer to as Jesse for the rest of this post, ever owned. She paid $9,000 dollars for it in this millenium. Eventually she sold this car to my wife and I for $500 when it did not run. A new power steering rack and a fresh set of rubber and charging the battery and we were on the road. Served my wife and I faithfully until some guy hit the passenger side rear axle head on in the rain and turned us into an automotive pinball. The car still managed to drive under it’s own power to the salvage yard never to be seen again.

1989 (I think) Mercury Topaz (This is a Topaz GS but I’m pretty sure she had a plain coupe with the same wheels). So begins the path to the bottom. I have a hypothesis that Jesse purchases progressively more awful cars each time to see how much she can shock me. That or she made a deal with the devil. This car was ok mechanically and a decent drive but was uncomfortable in any seat and was a pain in the ass to work on. The engine was so crammed in that when I cut the serpentine belt to remove it it still took an hour to get it out. Don’t get me started on putting a new one in. This car left her hands with some small mechanical issue, probably needed an alternator, I don’t remember.

1988 Pontiac Bonneville

I know what your thinking. I just said Jesse began a downward spiral of progressively worse car purchases but going from a Mercury Topaz to a Pontiac Bonneville is trading up. There’s a catch, this was my car first. I had a Nissan Pulsar and my wife had an Oldsmobile Bravada at the time but I came across a running Bonneville with a 3800 for $300 with the only downside being a cracked windshield. My wife and I had $200 and we borrowed $100 from Jesse to purchase the car. Our intention was for the car to be a backup for when we were working on any of the other cars. Jesse ended up just taking the car instead of fixing her Topaz. The car ran fine for a year under my ownership and as soon as Jesse took ownership everything started breaking. The tires all had to be replaced suddenly, the alternator died at a Jiffy Lube, and eventually I drove it again a few months later and the transmission was going out. I asked her how long it sounded like that and she said a few months.... Moving on.

One of the only photos I have of any of Jesse’s cars, her 1997 (I think) Ford Aspire. I did not think it could be worse than the Topaz. I was wrong. This car was so cheap and so tinny. It had a 1.5 liter engine with a 3 speed automatic. The one thing this car had going for it though was it was the first car she had owned since I met her with working AC. Unfortunately the heat was crap. She had tons of problems with the engine missing and getting frequent tune ups until the transmission died. She decided after ditching the Topaz over something trivial to get the transmission replaced in this car.

It took so long to find a used transmission that fit and for the shop to complete the labor she ended up buying another car. I ended up buying the car from her for $400 (the amount she still owed the mechanic by the time it was done being repaired) so I had something to drive while I worked on my Volvo. I never had an issue with the car, including going 30k miles between oil changes. I ended up loving the car because I could drive it WOT everywhere and chirping the tires without getting a ticket and it also told everyone not to fuck with me in dense city traffic because I gave no fucks.

Onward and downward.

5th gen Pontiac Grand Am (pretty sure a 2001 but who cares, whichever shitty engine had all the overheating issues, in blurple.)

Yet again exceeding my expectations for how low can you go. This car was constantly plagued with problems and she had gone from letting me work on her cars, to letting independent mechanics fix them, to getting scrappers to replace cables with extension cords and paying them $100 for the favor. Needless to say this car was one of the worst.

2006 PT Cruiser (who cares what engine, that hokey autostick thing)

And here we are on the race to the bottom. Already she’s had three different “mechanics” work on it in less than a year of ownership. One told her every component of her brakes needed to be replaced at a cost of $2,000. I told her her brakes were fine and if she needed new pads I’d do it for $50. I thought since I managed to come around on the Ford Aspire maybe I could find it in my heart to drive this internet darling. I could not. It is beyond sluggish. I’ve driven lawn mowers that are more refined and more willing to rev. It felt like it was going to fall over turning left at a stop sign. This car has no redeeming features.

I can’t wait to see what she gets next.

wafflesnfalafel > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 12:42

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awesome post

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 12:45

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Luminas with the 3.1 are amazing cars.

I really don’t get the Aspire hate around here. Base model with a manual is insanely fun. Light, tossable, and tons of available mods thanks to being 99% the same as a Ford Festiva, which has a fairly large following.

Jonee > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 12:46

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Wow. She really should have kept that Eagle.

C62030 > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 12:50

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I have the 3.1. It has so far been a fantastic engine. Absolutely nothing at the top end, but fun torque down low.

mcseanerson > C62030 07/19/2016 at 12:56

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The 3.1 was pretty solid. If it weren’t for the wreck it would have been around a lot longer I’m sure.

mcseanerson > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 07/19/2016 at 12:59

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Yeah, I hated the Aspire when she owned it but after I had it for a week it adjusted to my driving style and would quickly downshift when I’d hit the gas. Driving it at full tilt makes it a very different car.

lone_liberal > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 13:00

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My parents had a Berretta with the 2.8 and it was probably the most reliable car they ever owned too. They bought it new and it had well over 200k miles on it when they decided to get something else. I think in that time they replaced a fuel pump and a water pump. That’s it, other than routine stuff. It wasn’t a great car, but it was a good car for them.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 13:01

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Two of my friends have all manner of supercharged and turbocharged Aspires and Festivas. Great little fun cars. One of them is swapping in a 1.6l Miata engine with a turbo.

C62030 > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 13:03

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Only thing I don’t love is that despite the 6k redline, it whines and complains like nobody’s business when you try to rev it past around 2500. But they’re known to go past 300k miles, which is nice.

mcseanerson > C62030 07/19/2016 at 13:13

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Edit: Wrong comment. Yeah GM pushrod V6's just like to cruise on a wave of torque.

mcseanerson > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 07/19/2016 at 13:15

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I’ve seen the 1.8 BP motor swaps on youtube and have been very tempted to buy another Aspire for an autocross beater.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 13:16

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They’re oh so cheap. Do it.

C62030 > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 14:03

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It’s a great road trip car. Really cushy seats and you can get close to 30 mpg on the highway if you’re really gentle.

mcseanerson > C62030 07/19/2016 at 14:06

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Yeah, my current DD is a 96 Regal with a 3800 which is just even more torque and cushier seats. I drive 1 mile city and 14 miles highway each way and it is the perfect car for the job.

C62030 > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 14:39

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We looked at an Olds 98 which I believe had the 3800. What a lovely thing. It had a top speed of four but it was the smoothest thing I’ve ever driven.

mcseanerson > C62030 07/19/2016 at 14:48

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Yeah, big bodied 3800 cars are a thing of heaven on long road trips.

Roundbadge > mcseanerson 07/19/2016 at 15:57

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This put me in mind of my MIL. She absolutely loved her Topaz, but gave it to us when they purchased her new car and her current favorite...a 2010 Dodge Avenger.

The Topaz never successfully returned us to our home once, and finally bled out the last of it’s life with us in brake fluid while my FIL and I were working on the brakes one afternoon. We’d had enough, and sold it for scrap. I think we broke her (MIL’s) heart.